Looking Forward

I know it's been a while.

I am vaguely remembering in moments throughout the day that I like to do certain things. That under my sleepy disheveled soft exterior is a woman with hopes, dreams, hobbies, and wonderful friendships.

My life is a good one, and I am trying to remember that one day I will be able to exit the bubble of my home and get back on with things.

I am looking forward to living my life and enjoying all the little people my husband and I have made together.

I am looking forward to being the sexy woman I am in my head - (that is until until I shockingly catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and remember once again that I am that new mom of 5).

I am looking forward to sleeping through the night someday.

Looking forward to oh so much...

doing some of the things I love... reading, writing, photography, decorating, health and fitness, gardening, cooking, chatting with friends...

The next phase of my life is ahead. And I am excited.

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This last pregnancy was a doozy. Every one of them has been a real struggle for me; usually by 6 months into them I am able to feel good again until the last 6 weeks, but I am always blessed with awesome easy deliveries. I don't think I felt good for a single day of my last pregnancy. Once I finally got my pic line out at 6 months and the nausea let up I felt significantly better, but physically my body was shouting 'enough already!' I felt better 2 days post partum than I did the entire 9 months of pregnancy.

Isn't it funny how you can hold that tiny, soft, warm, snugly bundle of sweetness and all the suffering of pregnancy becomes worth it? It so was. Our little man got here June 16 and I am so glad to have him on the outside.

My house is a tad on the chaotic side. Okay, who am I kiddin, it is a freakin zoo. But I am choosing to count my blessings about 70% of the time. The other 30% I give into some good old fashioned boo-hooing and reach for the chocolate to console me. It is so hard to remember you want to be skinny again when you are already so fat!

We really have had alot of wonderful blessings occur lately, and I am trying to stay positive and have gratitude for those instead of letting the hard stuff bring me down.

Chris graduated and got a job in Utah right when we needed it most. He also just took his journeyman's test and passed it the first time. (Good job honey!) He is gone all week but home on Saturdays and half of Sundays right now - which has been lonely and hard for the whole family. But we were so seriously blessed to have the baby at 37 weeks - 2 days before he had to leave to start his job. Also, my brother and sister in law have generously opened their home to let him stay there until we can sell our house. We also have been surrounded with such love and generosity from so many friends and family around us. I have had so much help and support and I know that all of these 'angels' have literally carried burdens so that I have hardly felt them upon my back. It is all because of a loving Heavenly Father that knows me personally. I really feel like I am so undeserving of all these blessings; so many more that are private and personal that I won't go into detail about.

I am not going to lie though. 30% of the time... I do not remember the blessings. I allow myself to become overcome by the things I am burdened with ... until I remember the many times I have read the Book of Mormon and have seen the cycles that occurred with the Lamanites and the Nephites. Isn't it funny how we can get so many blessings and have success and happiness in our lives and we forget to recognize that God gave all of that to us? We forget to have gratitude? I am trying to remember; and I am trying to have patience. I am trying to have faith that I do not always know what is best. I am trying really really hard to have enough faith that my Heavenly Father knows what is best for my family and is so ready to bless us with what is best. I am trying to have patience and faith and remember the many times I have complained and threw a tantrum, only to have had blessings poured out into my life that literally felt like I did not have room enough to receive. Then I always feel so bad for complaining and for my lack of faith.

It is hard being here with a new baby and 5 little kids without a hubby most of the week. It will sure be nice when we can sell our home and get settled together again. But I am going to be content with my life at present and try to be productive and find joy in each day. We have great neighbors, a wonderful ward at church, and good friends here. The kids are so excited to start school and see all their friends; We love our home and are going to enjoy living here while we can; I have really loved living here, and I will continue to love it until we are blessed to start a new phase in our life. Like I said, it is a good one.

And I am sure looking forward to so much.